They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Operation Purity has been aborted
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize