I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
