Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
