I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
