It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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