I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
