Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
