Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
