should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
