I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
