well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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