I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
from now on my penis is your penis
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
