I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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