The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize