If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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