Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
