Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
