I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You dont lie about slip and slides
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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