your parents love me but you hate me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
