last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
