seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
