i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
