what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
