he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
