She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize