i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
