so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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