The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
