Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
