Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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