fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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