I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize