we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
