What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Randomize