hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
