sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
