If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
