I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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