i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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