the condom got lost in my hair
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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