I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
