Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
