My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
