There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
