you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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