No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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