so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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