Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
