i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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