I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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