Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
