I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize