Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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