I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
