ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Randomize