i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
