as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
