When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Why can't burritos get me drunk
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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