I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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