If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
