If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
