some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
