farters have to be the big spoon...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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