and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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