New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Drunk is not a location!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
