nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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